Tuesday, June 16, 2009

A Battle of Huge Proportions!

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a few days, and I promise a post about the estate auction soon. I wasn't feeling well yesterday - didn't sleep, was exhausted, and suffering from the ever present stress and depression. Nothing new!

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that my dad's health is extremely bad, and I am the main caregiver for my parents. In my mother's eyes, that means that I am at her beck and call 24/7, and she takes advantage of it, and THAT is what stresses me out. My dad's health situation is not the primary stress builder, but my mother's constant calling, complaining, self-pitying parties, and inability to accept the fact that I have the right to, and NEED to have my own life.

My mother thought that I would never marry. And when, at the age of 33, I did marry my sweet hubby, she was ANGRY!!! OH, she hid it well, but I knew it was there, after all, she had expected me to never marry, stay there, be her servant, best friend, and whatever she needed me to be at any given moment, so she was just plain mad that I had the audacity to get married.

Sorry Mom!

For the first 20 or so years of our marriage, things were fine, but then a few years ago, when she and my dad needed me more, she decided it was back on, I was once again her sounding board, her 'whatever' she needed for that day. And sadly, I allowed it. But now I'm stressed, I stay depressed all the time, and can't get anything accomplished at home. Our home is in the worst shape it's ever been, because I can't focus and function and get anything done.

So, today was - for me - independence day! We had a chat on the phone, and I explained how things would be from now on:

As always, if it's a medical emergency, call me immediately!

Otherwise I will talk to you once a day, we will cover any issues that need to be discussed. If something comes up that is NOT an emergency after we have talked, set it aside, write it down, whatever you have to do, and we'll talk about it tomorrow when we have our chat.

You see, it is of vital importance that I stop this chain of her behavior that is causing me so much stress. I am 57 years old. Stress can cause health problems. Heart disease runs in my family. Strokes do, too, as well as dementia on my dad's side. If I don't take care of me, their primary caregiver, and something happens to me, where will THEY be??? My brother will NOT be there - he's made that extremely clear.

So, by thinking of myself, and trying to de-stress my life, maybe discontinuing some of the depression based days, then possibly I can get my home in order, feel better about myself, and be there more and in better ways for them.

We have an appointment with my dad's primary doctor today to follow up from the hospital visit last week, so, if you see fireworks from the direction of northern Georgia, just know it's my mama and me straightening out a few kinks in our relationship. In a healthy way, of course!

Have a great day, friends! Becky


Karen ~Georgia Angel said...

Hope all goes well with your father's appointment today, and the fireworks are "minimal".

Nita in South Carolina said...

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. When my mom was having to deal with her mom (mental health issues) I once said, "mom, why don't you just back off and let somebody else handle her for awhile?" My mom said, "no, one day she will be gone, and I want to be able to say to myself that I did everything I possibly could for her, even if she wasn't happy." And when my grandmother died, my mom had no regrets. I think looking at it that way might help you some. You're doing everything you can. God bless you!

K-Sue said...

Love the new look of the blog - definitely communicates "writer."

Several years ago I realized that whenever my mind is in turmoil I make my surroundings reflect the turmoil - the house becomes a big mess! So I understand where you're coming from on that.

It takes a lot of courage to lay down reasonable rules like you did, knowing the rules will not be well-liked. Praying for peace for your family.

Picket said...

Hey girl...hope all goes well with your dad's appointment...just try to keep open communication with your mom...I know this is hard on you...try to put a little humor into your conversation when you are talking openly..let her know you love her dearly...try to get her more involved in helping your dad and maybe even see about services that have nurses come in once a week to talk and visit and help out with patients...

I know I have such a close relationship with my mama and it is hard for me to see a pull between a mama & daughter...I'm sure deep down your mama wants you to be happy and live a full life..maybe she had dreams that didn't work out...maybe she has fears she can't face...just love her and forgive her and keep doing all you can without neglecting yourself or your hubby and home life...It will get better...just be honest and truthful with her in a gentle kind of way..hope you have a great week sweetie and that you feel relief as you grow stronger in taking back your life.