My disclaimer: I am not perfect. In fact, far from it, but I have tried to live my life in such a way that I have no regrets. I smoked pot 4-5 times in my 30’s, it did nothing for me and I knew it was stupid, so I never did it again. I had my first drink of alcohol @ 25 years of age, and it still isn’t at all important to me. I may drink a glass of wine once in a while, but that’s about it. I smoked cigarettes for @ 3 weeks in my early 30’s, and knew it was stupid, so I quit. I have tried to always love my parents, although I have not always respected them. I made a commitment to them many years ago that I would be there to care for them when they needed me, and I’ve done my best to this point to keep my promise. I am human, I am a Christian, and I am forgiven. Now, on to ‘my story’:
I am exactly 5 years and 50 weeks older than my brother. I was an only child for almost 6 years, and the first grandchild for my dad’s parents. I was loved and cared for to the best of my mother’s ability.
My dad didn’t like working, and he never, until he took his last breath, understood that the money he earned was not his to spend as he saw fit, but it was to be used to pay the mortgage, pay bills, buy food and clothes and in general take care of his family. I finally decided that he just could not understand that. My mom always had to pay the bills and he resented her for it! He said she just took all his money and spent it. That was never the case, but in his mind that was the truth as he could see it.
For the first 14 years of my life, he never kept a job more than a few weeks or at the most a few months. Finally, when I was 14 he got a job he liked and stayed with it until the company closed 20+ years later. There were times when we had potato soup and cornbread because Mama had milk, potatoes and corn meal and that was all. I remember those times very well. My brother, although he was 8 years old, doesn’t remember those times, he only remembers Mama always handing him whatever he asked for, and that she never told him no. She still doesn’t, and he is almost 52 years old.
When my brother “T” was 13 or so, he went on a Boy Scout event and the leader’s son, who is my age, gave him his first joint of marijuana, and that was the beginning. For years and years the drug use escalated. He sold drugs, stole, lied, cheated and conned his way through life. When I was working full time he would come home in the middle of the night and Mama would come wake me up because he wanted me to talk to him. I would sit by his bed until he passed out and then get ready to go to work. Many times he took money from my purse until I started locking it in my car. Then he would siphon gas out of it so he could take our parents car out on drug runs.
I knew very early on that my feelings, my wants and needs meant absolutely nothing to my mother or my brother. My parents would fight over my brother and she would come cry on my shoulder. One of those times I got in my car and went to Atlanta and rented an apartment and moved out. In 1984 when my Dad had to have open heart surgery I agreed to move back in to help Mama out - even then I could do more with him than she could. That’s the year God stepped in and helped me meet the man HE knew was the one for me. When, at the age of 33, I married my sweet husband, Mama was mad, because I was supposed to stay there and be her best friend and caretaker. She hid it well, but I knew.
My mother has never, ever allowed or expected my brother to accept responsibility for himself or be accountable for his actions. When she took my nephew in when he was 6, the same rules applied to him. Don’t hurt his feelings, don’t make him behave, don’t let him grow up to be a responsible, honest human being. Now, at almost 26 he has major emotional problems, which he covers up with pot, black market Xanax (sp?) chased with cases of beer and hard liquor. She has bailed him out of jail several times and even had to file bankruptcy because of him. And her answer to everything has always been ‘it’ll all be okay’.
Last Monday @ 5:10 am I woke to the phone ringing. Hubby was already on his way to work, and Mama was here, sleeping in our guest room. It was my oldest nephew. Tell Nanie I love her, and I love you, but my life isn’t worth anything, I’m gong home and kill myself. I ran into the office, got online and found the sheriff’s office for the county where he lives and called them on my cell phone. His roommate was begging him not to do it, and literally held the shotgun barrel until the deputies got there. The deputy took my nephew to the hospital and dropped him off. Just left him! A doctor called me from the hospital and asked for my insight on my nephew’s problems. He promised he would get my nephew help and we hung up. Twenty minutes later my nephew was walking out of the hospital with another brand new prescription for Xanax. His younger brother picked him up and took him to my mother’s house and left him. He promised me that he would get G. out within 2 days. That was last Monday. Today he is still at my mother’s house. I refused to take my mother home until he was gone. I would never forgive myself if he did something to hurt her, and I do believe he is capable of doing anything. Drugs and alcohol don’t understand reason.
This morning I sent my brother a text message. A tad indelicate, I admit, but I was tired and stressed and ready for things to change. My message was “get off your ass and get him out of mama’s house TODAY!!!”
My brother called here and Mama answered it. Then a few minutes later my youngest nephew D called. A few minutes after that I got a text from him. “Don’t ever call me or daddy with anything about Nanie again. You are a very selfish person and we don’t have a place in our lives for someone like you.”
I have to tell you, I totally lost it. I hate fussing and fighting and 'DRAMA', but I went ballistic and into a rage. I called my hubby who was at work (we really needed the money) and told him to come get Mama and take her home, and told her to pack and get dressed. (It was 1 pm and she was still in her gown) I was so angry and out of control I walked up and down the street on the phone with hubby in the cold, misty rain, crying and out of control. I have never ‘seen’ myself lose it like that, and I didn’t like it, even though I had no control to stop myself. I have cried all afternoon, and there aren’t many tears left. I am still not sure I won’t have a stroke or heart attack over the stress of this situation. I am 57 years old, and for once in my life I have to put myself out of a situation that I know I cannot change. I cannot fix it, make it better, or even put a band aid on it in hopes it will heal on it’s own.
I am done. I cannot do this any more. I cannot live my life in fear of upsetting my mother, brother or nephews. They are on their own. She has made her choice. She has her ‘baby’ boys and I hope she is happy. I wish them all the best, truly. I love them all more than they will understand. I know this because I have loved them enough to say no, to stand up and do the hard things, and standing up to my mother and saying no is even harder than going through what I did with my dad.
Starting tomorrow I am going to do what I have to do to make life better and brighter for me and my husband. One day at a time. I would very much appreciate your prayers. I have already had some of the sweetest comments and prayers you can imagine, and I truly love you all for being here. Even in the midst of all this turmoil, I know I am blessed beyond measure. Thank you! Becky
