It's been a very long, and very eventful day. We got to the hospital today and my dad's confusion was worse. I asked for a conference with Dr. Allen (whom I love to death) and told him I needed to know the bottom line, and he told me.
We knew that both his heart and kidneys were in bad shape, and that if they treated one too much it could damage the other -like walking a tight rope and if you leaned too far to one side, you'd overcompensate and fall off the other side! Anyway, treating him for the heart failure has caused his kidneys to be worse. Both are in failure now. Because of his weakened state, and because his heart is just working so hard to keep pumping, he's losing oxygen to his brain, and he's very confused and doesn't know much of anything any more. And that is such a blessing! My dad, if he were 'cognizant' would be very upset to know he will never go home again.
My parents have lived in the same house the entire 59 years and 2 months of their marriage. That 'home' has been my dad's favorite place forever.
Tomorrow he will be transferred to a hospice facility in the town in which I live. It's fairly new, very (very) nice, and has only 15 private rooms. That is where he will spend the remainder of his days, and it's not likely that there will be many of those left. He is dying, and I am glad, because he's not been living for a long time.
My dad is a living legend. He has far out-lived his life expectancy. He has had several heart attacks, open heart surgery, triple bypass, aorta bypass, multiple stints and angioplasty, prostate cancer, a stroke, and more. He is tired, and it's time for us to let him go.
Oh, I will grieve my loss deeply, and I will miss him like crazy. You know how little girls and their daddies are! But I have such a sense of peace, because I know he would not like living like this, and he made it clear to us that he did not want to be kept alive by artificial means. We are honoring his wishes.
I am a Christian. A born-again, baptized, believer in Jesus Christ. So is my daddy. I believe - no, I know that when he dies, he will be made new, and he will be living like he's never lived before. He will be walking without pain, and his heart will be whole and he will be - probably - tending a garden somewhere in heaven. He loved tending a garden! And I will see him again, and we will walk those streets of heaven, and talk, and never be apart again. And I am joyous at that thought!
We (my mom and I) have done our best. We have taken care of him, even when he didn't appreciate it, and now he is in God's hands. And my God doesn't make mistakes, and He doesn't hurt those He loves (which is all of us) and He will hold me throughout these next days, and I will cling to Him and His promises.
Thank you each and every one for the prayers and good thoughts and comments and e-mails. Special thanks to Fay-Fay, Sue, Nancy, Jane, Tara and K-Sue. You are the best! Blessings, Becky